a little about me
through film photography i have found a tool to express myself, emotionally, physically and visually-without having to have words to explain what i might be feeling. through film photography, i feel connected to something bigger than myself when i am out shooting pictures. when i am not shooting pictures, i am writing short stories and working on my first book. i am a published, emerging author.
i am a Two Spirit person of Metis, Cree and Romanian Ancestry who is in active recovery from complex post traumatic stress. i am deeply spiritual but not religious. i do not follow any particular practise of Belief. I Believe in Everything.
film photography is the thing that gets me going. though i have been shooting pictures for as long as i can remember, i consider myself a beginner photographer. film photography is my craft. my art. my main thing that i do.
i do not see complex post traumatic stress as a disorder but as persistent repeated injuries. i am interested in the neurological studies that are happening regarding brain development and repeated traumatic injuries during the developmental stages of human growth.
i was born into a trauma life that not until 2010 did i begin to understand the true depth of devastation and destruction experienced, throughout my entire lifetime. The most crushing experience occurred when i was coerced into giving my two children, age 3 yrs and 9 months old, up for private adoption. the loss of my motherhood is something i am not sure i will ever be able to get over. there is simply too much sadness in me for a nearly indescribable, seemingly intentional injury to ever be able to get over it. nor should i be expected to try to forget what legally was a crime and violation of not only my human rights, but the rights of my children to be raised by their mother regardless of my poverty at the time.
in January 2015, after many years of hard emotional work, i finally found myself beginning to fully understand and experience what complex post traumatic stress is for me, personally. it was then that i began to see life through a wider, more empowered lens. and it was at that time, when i fully realized the scope of exciting work ahead of me.
all in all, i love my life, challenges and grief included. that is not to say that what happened to me is okay or automatically forgivable, if ever at all. i know now that i am allowed to feel and express my rage over the theft of my motherhood and children.
i am no longer going to hide these feelings. it no longer serves me to suppress the upset i feel over the things that were done that were unjust, ruthless and devoid of love or compassion. my soul has no more room for worrying about people being angry with me for speaking my truth to how i have experienced my life. i am the one who has lived it.
i feel ready now to talk about my darkness. because now, i can do it from a place of legitimate gratitude for the life experience that i choose to live today, to make me a better person. i choose to not be a person who uses the fact that they were abused, as an excuse for why they become the abuser.
i hope to show you the layered ways that i see in the world, as someone who lives with complex post traumatic stress. i want to show you a person who works diligently, to give myself a good life in the present. because as you probably know, there is never any getting back what was lost in the past, no matter how hard we might try.
thank you for being a witness to my journey.