getting over not getting over it

Once Upon a Time, I had a Son. I named him Jareth. (yes, after the character Davie Bowie played in the movie) I picked his name while I was about 7 months pregnant. His father and me were at his parents house in the basement of their bungalow in the south end of Regina. Riddel Street or Crescent. I can’t totally recall. I was 18 years old.

We walked down the stairs and sat on the sofa in front of the TV in the large, well endowed family room. Theirs was an upper - middle - class living. Very foreign to me.

The movie was just ending - Labyrinth. We caught the final scene where the character Sarah is in her bedroom when her parents come home. The creatures from the story physically appear in her room, no longer a fantasy or illusion. They danced and sang as the screen faded to black. 

The credits rolled on. 

I saw the name Jareth roll up on the television screen and yelled, “That’s it! That’s what we are naming our son.” 

A proclamation so real and true, there was no need for negotiation. Jareth would be our son’s name, if that is what we were to have, is a boy. Which I knew he was, there deeply in my womb. 

Jareth was born November 8th, 1988. 

32.

29 of those years have us without each other. 

i’m trying to get over it. 

but it’s like having one viable kidney or only three quarters of a heart.

the quality of life changes. challenges are often more challenging. 

and i am. doing ALL that i can 

and then some.

to just get through this. 

life.

Life

I am so Happy to be able to wish my Son Happy Birthday. I love you and hope you have Joy and Contentedness in your life and in your grief too. I am sorry I let go of you. I was so weak but don’t take all the blame. We were ripped apart wrongly.

And please know, I am strong. and I love you. and forgive myself now. 

Love, 

Mumma.