to be honest, i don’t know what complex post traumatic stress is. wouldn’t it be different for everyone depending on their circumstance? all i know is that for me, it makes what are usually fairly normal, day to day things for fairly regular and normal people, into extremely complicated things for me. living in the fight or flight path for my whole life has not been an easy road. learning to calm that down, to take it easy when stuff becomes an obstacle and do the work to get through it without spazzing too hard.
that is what complex ptsd is for me.
i don’t know how to talk to people, generally. i feel like an alien most of the time. like i am speaking some space tongue dialect that maybe one other person on this planet maybe also speaks. i am not hopeful about us meeting in person. what are the chances.
a lot of questions without question marks lately.
in my head.
and now in yours.
what was the question, again?
complex ptsd is about behaviour and beliefs and wrangling with all the stories we are told about life.
and what is true
and what is not true
counting the days that i write in a row, publicly, will help me be accountable to my processes of healing. i will count up the days 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 etc until i miss a day and then start back at number 1. to keep myself in check.
i used to be scared of the monster under my bed. that he would bite my foot off if it poked even just a smidge over the edge at night, when everyone was sleeping. the foot chomping monster would wait until they could hear that breath you make when you finally fall asleep for real. like, you don’t know you are sleeping because you are for real sleeping. and the monster waits.
waits a little more and
the tiny baby tip of the toe of a child
glows like candy shining in the monster’s eyes – all red with the fury of hunger, under the bed of the sweet.
go to sleep little baby go to sleep.
erased and corrected
one more time.
take a rest after all the pushing through.
don’t let the stories inside you be abandoned.
write and share what haunts and holds you.
you are safe
you are loved
and you are brave
you have my permission to be afraid too.
i looked at her strength and power as it poured and washed over me
through my eyes
waves of love and sadness all at once.
the confusion of trying to enjoy the moment but feeling overwhelmed at the peace of it all.
the loss and acceptance.
there is no need to worry.
not any more.
you are protected.
you are loved.