Here I Am

originally written on 19 Apr 2017

thank you for bearing with me while i try to hold on, through what has been one of thee worst housing crises of my life. worse than being a kid and watching my mom be evicted, countless times that i can recall, and never knowing where we might end up next… yes, worse than that. at least then, i had my baby brothers and sister to struggle with. now though, i am mostly alone and the isolation hurts. it really hurts a lot. how many of my friends know, truly know what i have been going through.

rhetorical question. anyway,


as much as it may hurt me to do it, i am going to attempt to do my daily blogging, finally and after all that has gone on. but i am feeling better enough now to get to “werk”, as the cool kids say.

i’ve been taking myself back in my mind, to help comfort myself and remind myself the distance i have come. to where i am now compared to where i was only just a short seven years ago, before i knew i was going to be okay. 

I was in Central Park, New York City in May, 2012. with my friend, Adam who was my host and guide at the time. Privately in my thoughts, I wondered if I would see any celebrities and if the first one might be Yoko Ono. I wanted it to be Yoko Ono because she was the only person who mattered to me, as far as capturing photos of celebrities went.

It didn’t surprise me when I saw a white hat as it seemed to float, headless through a growing crowd. Instinctively I knew. “I bet it’s Yoko Ono,”  I thought quietly to myself.

I watched the white hat glide along as if carried by the bodies that surrounded it without exposing the head it rested upon. The crowd would pause momentarily and I could see camera flashes blinking and hear cries of gratitude but still, I could not see who was causing the rush of people and emotion there in Central Park.

Though my heart knew, it was Yoko Ono. Only Yoko could make a hat float along through a crowd like that. With the grace, smoothness and calm energy of a hat that had floated through that very section of the park, hundreds of times before then. Finally, I admitted out loud to Adam that I thought I saw Yoko Ono coming our way. We were sitting on the grass, behind the sculpted railing to the right of the stairs in the photo, above.

“Where is she? How do you know it’s her?” Adam got excited that I was sure it was Yoko but didn’t yet know. He craned his neck to try to see and I sat. I waited. And then there she was. Steps away from me.

I could have jumped up and joined the crowd of admirers but instead I sat for a minute and watched while she and Sean, her son, moved toward the stairs. It wasn’t until Yoko sat down and Sean started taking photos of her with what I can only guess was a film camera of some sort, that I leapt to my feet to capture that moment.

You see, I love taking pictures of people taking pictures! I was stunned that I would get to take a picture of Sean Ono Lennon, taking a picture of his beautiful mother, Yoko, in Central Park, New York City, on my very first full day there in my entire life.

That day, after getting that photo, I didn’t care if I ever got another celebrity shot ever again. I got the shot of a lifetime, as far as I was concerned and didn’t need another one.

Do I feel the same today about not needing to get another shot of another celebrity? Yes, yes I do. Though I have gotten a few shots here and there of famous figures, they have never come even remotely close to the gift I got that day when I got to snap a pic of Yoko and Sean during a precious moment of collaboration in their lives together.

I spent three weeks in NYC then, and fell in love with myself there. Real Love. Real, Tough, Growable Love with myself. When I returned home, I immediately found a way to go back to New York, to live there for six months which I extended to eight. Up until then, I had never travelled so far from where I come from before, for so long.

It feels good and neato and different to be sharing stuff with you, person reading this. With Gratitude,
princess shredder