my son

originally written nov 9, 2018

My Son, my only Son you are 30 years old today.

I remember like it was yesterday, the day you were born. I was alone in the hospital while your dad was at home, sleeping or playing video games.

The hospital nurses sent him away. “Go home and get some sleep, she’s a long ways away from giving birth.” They said. I cried, “Why do I have to be alone? He is the father of my child and I want him to stay.” “No.” They demanded and just like that he was gone.

I was scared at first and then terrified not long later, at the pain in my body that no one would explain. I was so young – Still a child myself at only 18 years old. I wanted to be calm like they ordered I should be. “You should have thought of this nine months ago.” One nurse barked at me when I cried to have someone with me. But they closed the door to my hospital room and left me there.

“Be quiet, you’re scaring the married mothers down the hall.” They lied.

I smooshed my face into my pillow when the contractions would come and beg to the god I did not believe in, to relieve me of the pain. But nobody came to comfort me. They came only to poke me and shove me and tell me to shut up.

I didn’t shut up. I want you to know. The whole time I was there alone, for about 4 hours, I cried out loud and begged for them to call your father. I did not shut up and I yelled that I wanted someone to be with me and it was inhumane that they were leaving me alone. I wanted them to help me get you out of me so I could stop the pain. But they didn’t. They just shut the door and walked away.

I was so tired when you were born about another three hours later –it was nearly 8 hours all together… Your dad had come just in time. I felt bad about myself. I felt badly that I cried so much that you probably were somehow affected.

I can hardly believe you are 30 years old today. I remember you being born, like it was yesterday. I am sorry I let myself be talked into giving you up. I didn’t mean to be so weak. But I had no strength left to hold on alone any more.

Giving you up is the greatest mistake I have ever made because you were my everything.

You were my Everything. And you still are.

I Love you my son. I hope you have peace, where ever you may be.
Happy Birthday.
  
Love,
your Mumma Jumma.