originally written 31 Jul 2017
She was beautiful, tall, strong, seemingly fearless and I had a crush like I had never had a crush on a girl before.
My brain turned to mush whenever I saw her in person. I tried to not let my eyeballs fall to the floor, the way they do in the cartoons — their springs breaking loose from the sockets, bouncing up and down, touching the floor and trying to get back into place in my face, again.
“Does she like girls? My wonder full of lust. “But I’m not a lesbian.” I tried to dissuade my growing infatuation. “Maybe we could be lovers.” I persuaded my feelings to keep the wonderfully confusing ideas coursing through my body. Shyness overcame me whenever I was near her and I would try to not stare but then when she was on stage performing, my eyes were super glued to her every movement. There was something so deep coming out of her that spoke to my pain and desire for letting it out.
“Her dance! Her movement! Oh god!” I wanted to move with her, naked sweaty, sensual in life and the giant fluffy bed of my imagination.
Lola, Lola, Lola. I had a crush on a different Lola once before. But that never went anywhere and never could, and I knew that. Plus, there was the part about my not being a lesbian. Lola wasn’t either but we both got it on with girls the same way we did with boys. And that other Lola, as much as I wanted to love her and be loved by her in return, she wasn’t a communicator the way this Lola was. This Lola, this Lola speaks with her body on the stage and with her mind through the talks she gives at events about empowerment and healing trauma through permission to love and express every bit of it. Pussy Magic, Sexual Freedom and Spiritual Sovereignty; her message and mantra for all who want liberation from the chains of self loathing and corruption of identity. I was listening with the widest open ears.
I want to buy her presents and show her all the undiscovered places on this planet. If it were possible, I would take her on a trip to Pluto just because I think she would love to go to Pluto to prove it is still a planet and the media was lying again. “I want to make her the happiest human on the earth and ask her to marry me so we could be each others’ wives.” All those feelings fluttered around inside of me, confused and muddled my brain and my thinking. I had never even spoken in person with her! In reality, Lola, the Lola I was massively crushing on was only just an idea! A fantasy, really.
And then one winter night after a burlesque show at the Rio Theatre, there she was right beside me. Standing directly in front of me, actually. She was only wearing her bra and tiny knickers and it was freezing outside. The warmest thing she had on was the crazy weave of hair that reached her toes and emphasized her power and Woman Strength all the more. She was shivering. I was trying to not speak so I wouldn’t stutter like I do when I get nervous. There she was; Lola Frost, burlesque dancer, shameless stripper and powerhouse of a woman, standing right — in — front — of — me.
At the time, I wished I still smoked tobacco because she rolled a drum cigarette and looked right at me after she lit it and offered me a haul of the fresh smoke. “Do you want some?” Her naked, fair skinned arm extended her hand rolled cigarette toward me. There was a pause and I thought to myself, “She has blue eyes,” before saying, “no thank you.”
She was so cold and I couldn’t stand it. I tried to refrain from taking her into my arms and wrapping my fully clothed, warm body against her mostly naked skin, to protect her from the cold. I couldn’t tell you what the small group of us, there outside the Rio were talking about. Probably nothing too important. The usual after show banter on the side-walk outside the venue after everyone had left. We formed a natural circle and small talk bounced back and forth between the handful of us for a while. I stayed for a bit later after the show because I knew some of the organizers and DJs and was invited to dance after the main show.
Never did I consider having an opportunity to keep Lola Frost warm that icy winter night. And I didn’t even know if Lola Frost was her real name and she was way too hot to be called Frosty. But I got the contradictory joke. After a few seconds of watching Lola shiver from the cold, I mustered the chivalry from deep within myself and wrapped my giant teal coloured alpaca pashmina scarf around her naked shoulders. She gratefully took the scarf and wrapped it completely around herself. She seemed way smaller in my scarf than she did on stage. Reachable. Real. Human. Something started to shift inside of me. My heart felt happy and relieved she wasn’t offended because why would she be? Kindness is something Lola speaks highly of, even to this day.
As the group of us stood there in the frigid air on the sidewalk, the chattering continued and I held myself back from catching Lola when she wobbled on her tipsy feet. She’d been drinking and it was cute instead of ugly like a lot of girls get when they drink a bit too much. But Lola was no girl. I know I wasn’t in love and it was just a silly, child-like crush. An infatuation. It felt good to have those feelings. Especially because it was during a time when I was in a thing with a guy who wasn’t great on my self esteem. He knew I was crushing on Lola and encouraged it. Brought it up often and in retrospect, I missed the hint underlying his apparent enthusiasm for my crush on someone other than him. He wasn’t into me like the impression he was giving and that was his way of passively aggressively telling me that he and I were never going to amount to anything.
Lola smoked her drum tobacco slowly and we looked at each other a few times during the talk going around in the circle. I was scared I had “I love you” written all over my face and she could see it clear as day, shining in the night through my eyes. I was scared then but in a good way and I knew that even if I could never be in her league, we would somehow be connected one day down the road. It might not be in love or lust or even any kind of romantic anything. I knew though that it would be important and profound and life changing for me.
And it was profound and important and my crush is now a deep fondness and normal human attraction to an incredibly sexy, beautiful, spiritual human. The intense desire to be wives with Lola and get sweaty in bed have been quelled and my admiration now comes from a place of total respect and really believing in a person. She offered a dance class and I knew it would be safe for me to attend. That there, I would be safe in her hands, to fully express myself and my sass and sensuality. And I did just that in her class: Lap Dance For Lovers.